Just Shut The $%@* Up!

I wanted to scream at my brother after he picked me up from the airport and started in on why he’s right about something he is completely ignorant on.

**Trigger warning**

DO NOT ATTEMPT TO  TELL ANYONE HOW THEY SHOULD GO ABOUT RAISING THEIR CHILD, OR WHAT IS RIGHT OR WRONG ABOUT HOW YOUR CHILD CHOOSES TO LIVE IN THIS WORLD! 

**Double trigger warning! **

Especially after you have just found out your mother has a massive brain tumor!

In retrospect,  I understand that is how he is dealing with this information.  It’s easier for him to argue about how something is “technically” wrong than to understand there are other perspectives out there that aren’t “yet” backed up by science! 

If people listened to Nicola Tesla when he surmised our ability to harness solar energy way back when, we would be way ahead of where we are now.  Just because it doesn’t make sense to your limited,  conditioned mind doesn’t mean it isn’t real or that it doesn’t make sense to others who may be more open to better and bigger possibilities.  If all you are open to is what has already been “proven” we would never move forward!

Short sighted, in my opinion!

But I digress.  Back to the point. 

How my brother is dealing with the information that our mother has an inoperable and fast growing tumor,  I don’t understand.  I am the emotional one.  To hell with logic!  Logic just doesn’t make sense to me.  What I feel makes sense to me.

I feel like crying!  I feel like holding onto my mom and never letting go!  I feel guilty that I live so far away!  I feel like slapping the stubborn out of my brother!

I just FEEL! A Lot!

Do I judge my brother for being stone- faced and non -emotional?  No!  I understand that he is processing this information as best he can.  I feel that he loves my mom as much as I do.  Just because he isn’t reacting in a way that I understand doesn’t mean that he isn’t hurting just as much as I am. 
My mom had a biopsy yesterday and spent the night in ICU.  I stayed with her.   We came home early this afternoon and later went to dinner with my brother and his perfect family.  Dinner was fine, but then we got in the car to come home and his wife brought up the diagnosis, trying to be positive that there are many new treatments available with better success rates than ever before.

My brother felt it was necessary to bring up the fact that the neurosurgeon would not advocate for anything that wasn’t scientifically already proven.

I jumped in to say that we were looking into CBD oil and made the terrible mistake of saying that the doctor was all for it.   What I meant was that the doctor didn’t discourage us from trying it, or anything else we believe could be helpful.

My brother decided to pound the fact that the doctor never said or even indicated any preference FOR CBD oil in our conversation with him and how I was incorrect to say so.

He wouldn’t stop!  I explained that what I meant was that he wasn’t opposed to us trying it.  But he couldn’t let it go!

I told  him to stop.  I yelled at him to let it go.  I even tried telling him that he was 100% right and I was wrong, but my emotion gave me away!  I was way too upset about this stupid one way conversation that really meant nothing to me other than the fact that there just might be hope in an otherwise hopeless situation.

If his kids weren’t in the car,  I have no doubt that i would have told him to shut the $%*@ up, but I didn’t go there.  I let him rant while I teared up, refusing to let him see that I was reduced to tears.

I guessed the truth of the matter is that neither one of us are communicating very well and although it’s rubbing me the wrong way,  I need to get over myself so that I can fully be there for my mom.

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4 thoughts on “Just Shut The $%@* Up!

  1. So, so sorry to hear about this, luv. It’s hard and I don’t even know what else to say other than that I stand beside you and if you ever need a listening ear for a good rant or something, I’m always here for you šŸ’ž. Take care of You. šŸŒ·šŸŒŗ
    Hugs to you and your family šŸ’
    ~The Silent Wave/Laina

    Liked by 1 person

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